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He's a Serial Flirter

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What Ever Happened to Trust?

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Her Boyfriend Is a Serial Flirter

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He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?

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Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love

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Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?

He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?

ASK YOUR OWN QUESTION:

Name: groupie
Location: new york , ny
Question: moxie - .i read your blog (and blog too) everyday - i'm in
such a confusing state w/my relationship that i don't know who else would
be better to ask about this; even my gfs are stumped about this
one!..i've been dating a guy for 4 months; it started off so amazingly -
he was clearly smitten and wanted to move things along... i basically
started staying over his place all the time - within a month, i was
there everyday and most of my stuff was there. ..the problem: about a
month ago, he started to be a bit withdrawn and distant. first, no
sex... then no other physical touching... to the point that all i got were
light pecks throughout the day. i brought this up and his solution is
that i should be at his place less; that we should see each other only
on the weekends. he says he loves me and wants this to work longterm,
but that he's stressed about work and other things and my being there all
the time is too distracting. he now thinks that the relationship moved
too fast (although he doesn't deny that it moved fast as a result of
his suggestions). my feeling is that a relationship needs to always move
forward; nothing gets solved by taking steps back - esp. such major
ones... in general, do you think that going backwards in a relationship
sometimes actually puts the relationship back on track? do i trust what
he says; that our time together will be more quality vs. quantity? or is
it time to move on and stop wasting my time?..thx for your help.
|Age: 30

I don't think taking a step back could hurt. Actually it sounds like you don't have much of a choice. Yes, taking a step back could lead to a dissolution of the relationship. It's a strong possibility. But you'll never know if you just decide to walk away now. Trust me, in a couple months, you'll be asking yourself if things would have worked out differently had you given it a shot. Do what you can now to make the relationship work. If it doesn't, at least you'll have the satisfaction of saying you tried.

I had a guy friend who found himself in a similar situation. He met a woman, they dated for a couple months and pretty soon she was staying over every night and leaving a ton of her stuff in his apartment. He said like he felt she had moved in with him under his nose. They went from just dating to suddenly living together but he never had a say in it. That could be what's really bothering him. Maybe he feels like you've been slyly pushing the relationship along by leaving stuff at his place? Maybe he doesn't feel like he has much control in the relationship?

Try to look at it from his perspective....he's dating this girl, things are going well, he sees her every night.. Then he starts noticing all her stuff around his apartment. HIS apartment. The place he uses to diffuse and decompress. Well, now he can't do that because you're there all the time. Suddenly, he starts realizing that he doesn't have a place where he can go to be alone. A place where he can fart when he wants to, watch internet porn, jerk-off, watch the game, meditate, nap...whatever. He's lost "his place." Not every one is comfortable with he idea of giving up their freedom and independence that quickly. It worked in the beginning, probably because he had less stress in his life or less going on. The thing is....shit happens. Life gets in the way. A big project at work, a sick relative, a major change of some kind. He's obviously not ready to totally give up his independence. Don't assume that his not wanting to see you every day means he doesn't care about you. He could be trying to save the relationship.

When you said that there has been a complete lack of sex, my first thought was "he resents her." I don't know why that popped in to my head, but it did. Couples fight but still manage to have sex. When the sex stops that's a rather huge red flag that trouble is brewing. Definitely take a few steps back here. Once resentment sets in it's an uphill battle to get past it.

Good relationships aren't necessarily measured by how much time you spend together. It sounds like you need to see him every day or close to every day in order to feel comfortable in the relationship. Well, he doesn't need that. He can't be held responsible for your expectations. To his credit, he put the breaks on early enough in the relationship that you might be able to salvage things. You're going to have to relax a bit and figure out why you equate how much time he spends with you with how much he cares about you. Use this time to focus on you. Figure out why you need so much attention from him.

Yes, it's possible that he's trying to detach from the relationship and, by slowing things down or suggesting you take a step back, he may be trying to get you to walk away.

Before you agree to slow things down, I'd suggest having a talk with him to clear the air and define boundaries. Make sure that he wants to take a step back for the right reasons. He could just be trying to wean you from the relationship to make a break up easier. Or he's trying to force your hand and get you to do the dirty work and break up with him.

Or, like I said above, maybe he truly wants to make things work and just needs more space and freedom to do it.

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http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2006/05/name_groupie_lo.html#comments2006-05-08

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He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?