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May 11
Do Guys Stop Flirting When They Get a Girlfriend?

May 11
He's a Serial Flirter

May 10
Dude, Maybe She's Just Not That Into You

May 10
What Ever Happened to Trust?

May 10
Her Boyfriend Is a Serial Flirter

May 08
He Only Wants To See Her On Weekends...Does That Mean It's Over?

May 06
Friends With Benefits - Confusing Sex With Love

Apr 18
ASK MOXIE - Are You Sending Off The Wrong Signals?

Apr 13
Should She Tell Him She's a Virgin?

Do Guys Stop Flirting When They Get a Girlfriend?

ASK MOXIE - Letting Go Of The Leash
Name: gadaboutcutie
Location:
Detroit , Michigan
Question: Hi Moxie!..My question is really whether
I'm just being a jealous bitch or if my feelings are valid. I've been
dating my boyfriend for 6 months. We do love eachother and see
eachother a few nights; we get along perfectly. We just had our first
argument. Here's the background that might be useful. He plays tennis a few
nights a week or I have softball (or tennis in the winter) one night and
kickboxing Class another night, so we see eachother when we're not
busy. He also has several sets of friends that call him to go out for
drinks - so once or twice a week he goes out with another group of friends
where I'm not invited, buddies from his past jobs, buddies from tennis,
buddies from business school, and buddies from the park where he takes
his dog. I love that he's so social and has a lot of friends, but I
will admit I just wish I were invited sometimes or got a little more
attention. I understand that guys want to get out without their wives and
girlfriends, but I think for each set that calls him for drinks, its
their once or twice a month. I did mention I wish I were asked to go
when he ends up going out with a buddy and it ends up a group of guys and
girls. So, with all this time he spends with other friends, I get a
little attention deprived. ..With all of this slightly bothering
me, we were sitting on the couch watching the Pistons game. They lost
(boo). His phone beeps with a text message. He tells me its his friend
Kathy. (Kathy who???) He explains its the girl that works the front
desk at the tennis club and he's known her for three years. He texts her
back. She texts him again and once more, he's texting her. Its 10:30
on a Saturday night and here's my 33 year old boyfriend texting back
and forth with this 22 year old girl that I don't know and he's never
seen outside the club. At this point I was aggravated that he was giving
her all this attention and didn't need to be. In his eyes he sees that
since he's not "cheating" and being up front with me about who he's
talking to, that its ok. I get that. We're talking about it; and of
course you know what happens next. She calls. He doesn't answer because
he knows I'm irritated by this girl. A few minutes later she calls
again and leaves a message this time. I know in my heart he wouldn't cheat
- I'm just bugged that he'll sit there and text with her while i'm
there. I wouldn't do that to him and I have a hard time thinking that this
is ok behavior for a guy. Am I just being difficult? Should I be ok
with him going out with his buddies all the time without me and/or
hanging out together, him taking text messages and phonecalls, chatting for
a while with other girls?..Thoughts? |Age: 29

I'm getting the impression that this instance you speak of was an isolated one, correct? You're not acting any more jealous than any other woman in your shoes would have acted. Just don't react. Let it go. It happened, you told him how you feel, he stopped.The fact that he didn't pick up the phone when she called is a good sign. It shows that he heard your concern and respected it. For all you know, she could be texting him to tell him that his court time got switched. Although, yeah, that's unlikely. She's 22. Weren't we all sort of brazen at 22? You have no idea why she was calling so don't dwell on it. It's normal to immediately act offended or even suspicious. But he handled the situation the way he should have. That's the first checkmark he gets.

Does that mean that he won't ever talk to her again? Nope. Sorry. She's in his life to some extent, probably platonically if even that. He's going to see her when he goes to the club to play tennis. So, you need to deal with the fact that this girl? Ain't goin' nowhere. The upside is you feel "in your heart" that he would never cheat. That's what's important. That's the second checkmark that he gets.

Don't start doing the "why would he do that to me/I'd never do that to him" thing. Just because you feel it's weird or inappropriate doesn't mean he does. Or that it even is. You have no idea why she was texting him. Guys don't just "get" what women want. If you don't tell him when something bothers you, he'll assume it's okay. HOW you tell him it bothers you is what counts. Don't get defensive or angry. Just say something like, "I really don't want to share you with anyone tonight. Can you talk to them tomorrow?" If you feel you have to make your point clearer, then put it on her and not him. Say, "I'm not comfortable with her texting you like that." Putting it on him will make him feel attacked and that you don't trust him.

Just keep something in mind - He's not going to stop talking to other women just because he has a girlfriend. If you trust him, like you say, then you've got to let go of the leash a bit. He wants to go out with his friends and talk to girls? Fine. He wants to hang out with his boys and play wingman, let him, because that's probably what he ends up doing. They want to help they're single guy friends meet women and having your girlfriend there won't work. Most of the time, that stuff is innocent. It's when it starts becoming the norm or when he stops spending anytime alone with you that you should worry. Does he insist on having his friends around all the time? There's a problem.

You've got your whole lives to spend every day together. Trust me, when you get to that point, you're going to want to have a day here or there to yourself. Right now, you have a guy that you say is great, you get along "perfectly" and he apparently respects your feelings when you say something bothers you. For now, go along to get along. Making demands is only going to make him detach from you and from your relationship.

READ THE FEEDBACK & COMMENTS FROM OTHER SINGLES:
http://moxieblog.typepad.com/moxieblog/2006/05/name_gadaboutcu.html

2006-05-11

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Do Guys Stop Flirting When They Get a Girlfriend?