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Hook Up How To

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Singles who feel like they're failures at flirting can master the pickup game
By Kyra Kyles
RedEye

Published February 14 2007

Returning an admiring gaze.

Smiling at just the right moment.

Leaning in closer to show interest.

It's flirting, typically a natural part of building an attraction. Being good at it might be particularly prudent now that Valentine's Day is here.

But flirting effectively isn't as easy as it sounds, according to some lovelorn locals—and mixed signals make matters worse.

"Women don't make it clear enough when they want you to come over," said West Loop resident Anthony Gerardi, 36, adding that men unfairly bear most of the flirting "burden." "Why can't women approach men more?"

Flirting isn't much easier for a Dolton woman who recently attended a Flirt Smarter and Date More workshop with friends at Jak's Tap in the West Loop.

"I can't tell when a man likes me until he's pretty much walked away," said Chanelle Dodson, 31, after the workshop.

Even singles who feel clueless about when and how to flirt can master the art of attraction, experts said. It's all about being self-confident, choosing the right approach for the situation and being mindful of your body language.

Those non-verbal clues are the biggest problem for 29-year-old Kelli Ross.

"My friends tell me that I'm standoffish when men approach," said Ross, who attended the flirting workshop with Dodson.

"I am usually shocked when people tell me I look very closed off, but I can see now how I might be coming across as bored or guarded," said Ross, who lives in the south suburbs.

Appearing to be unapproachable is a problem for many women and men, according to Moxie in the City founder Christan Marashio.

"I would go to parties and be able to tell which people were interested in one another," said Marashio, whose New York-based company offers flirtation workshops, including the recent Chicago event. "I'd see people walking away from a situation when both were giving each other the green light, and other times when someone was pushing and pushing for a connection when there wasn't a prayer in hell."

Marashio blames these bungled opportunities on misconceptions that men need to be armed with pick-up lines—which she says are actually a turnoff—and that women need to be beautiful to attract attention.

"The most beautiful woman in the world who is a complete [bleep] will be unattractive to people," Marashio said.

Another misconception is that you need a clear signal from someone you'd like to get to know better. "It does help if you can establish eye contact with someone you are interested in," said Stephen Nash (real name: Stephen Shelley), the co-founder of New York-based Cutting-Edge Image Consulting and the Web site how-to-get-a-girlfriend.com. "But the key is if you want to walk up to them and you don't get a sign, approach anyway. There's a good chance that, if you're in a crowded bar or lounge, the other person hasn't seen you."

Once you decide to make your move, the first and most important step of flirting is not to do it—at least not right away.

"Flirting and approaching are two different things," Nash said. "If you flirt when you approach, women are typically turned off unless you are very smooth. Attractive women are used to getting hit on, so they may have their guards up and find your aggression a turnoff."

Instead, Nash advises male clients to try one of two approaches.

"You can go up to a woman and say, 'This is really embarrassing for me, but I saw you from across the room and had to take a risk to try and meet you,'" Nash said. "You are acknowledging the risk, exposing a bit of yourself, and it comes across as innocent and non-threatening."

The second option is to approach the object of your attraction with a "creative" question, Nash said. His favorite: Ask a woman her opinion about an imaginary "engaged friend" whose wife-to-be wants to publish their wedding photo in the paper against her fiance's wishes. That type of question encourages conversation, he said.

Once you get the "flirtee" talking, the work isn't over. Then it's time to observe body language, Marashio said.

"If two people are talking at a bar and one has their whole body facing away from the other, that means they are half-interested," Marashio said. "Try to reel them back in by mimicking their body language, turn half away like they are, then turn back fully toward them over the course of about five to 10 minutes. That way, you can see if they'll mirror your language."

Marashio and Nash said their tips have turned shy singles into more approachable and adventurous flirters, but like anything, continued practice is important.

"Always keep your socializing muscle stretched," Marashio said.

After the workshop, Ross and Dodson said they were ready to beef up their social skills.

"I'm going to attempt more eye contact," Ross said. "And I will definitely stop crossing my arms so I can be more approachable."

Dodson agreed, adding that she would no longer let attractive men walk away without knowing she is interested.

"I know I'm going to try to do better because it's husband time," she joked. "As a matter of fact, it's beyond husband time."

Publication: Chicago Tribune - Red Eye Magazine
Website: http://redeye.chicagotribune.com/red-021407-flirt-main,0,4387085.story?coll=red-slideshow
2007-02-14

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